My thumb is cramping, hitting the little red box with the X in it. I got bored with swiping and also accidentally super liked some people due to a lazy swipe left return. So I went to what I thought would be easier, the "nope" button, but it's not.

 

I fight with myself over the $8.99 a month "membership fee" The cost of being able to bring back the pic you accidentally trashed because your thumb, like a factory worker on a line, started racing itself to the final pic, the gatorade break, and in swipe haste, "noped" a "like"

 

I try to be fiscally responsible about these things, you know,  do the math. I break it down by how many times I'm really bummed, (not many) divided by the monthly membership nut...and how much money each bummer revisit would actually cost me, it always seems too much.  There are so many more pics, why pay for the return button when I can just keep going. I have yet to see a pic I felt like paying $8.99 to see again, just in case.

 

I have been finding myself looking at the menu a lot lately, actually spending time swiping...

 

It's relentless, face, after face, and they just keep coming. Scruffy, shaved, glasses, no glasses. Mountains, boats, backpacks and waterfalls. Parties, beaches, drugged up tigers and guitars.

 

It's a proverbial bouillabaisse. An ocean filled with all different kinds of fish and sea creatures, all you have to do is take your pic...

 

Lately I am here because I'm hungry, for brain and body nutrition. For lips and kisses, fingers and breathing, deeply...

 

I want to find flesh to feed upon... And I want to do it without leaving my apartment.

 

You would think it's easy. We have heard it a million times. "It's so easy for a woman to get laid" But is it?

 

It seems like the ocean is large, and the fish are plenty. Sure, some people shine above others, we all think we are shiny. But so much of it is just dipping into a folder, or sub folder, of what seems like more of the same.

 

I wonder what my folder is?

 

For those of you who have not entertained this way of dating, let me give you a breakdown of what it looks like... Kinda...

 

The Tinder Glossary:

 

HOT GYM RATS:

 

These guys are in the 24 - 30 range, and they all come with a factory issued backwards cap pic. This pic is often in cahoots with the popular poolside, or, beach pic. This bad boy always shows up shirtless, always has a red cup handy, and odds are, one or both arms will be around at least one other equally hot, or a little less hot, shirtless guy of a similar age. These profiles are fun to look at and usually have a lot of pics.

Our hot guys come fully loaded with several ab and body shots. You also get a reflection of the insane social schedule these fuck gods have, with a pic of them passed out on a couch, or bed somewhere. These profiles also give you varied male bonding pics, all with open mouthed laughter. A little metaphor to show the hilarity of their good fortune I'm sure. And then there's the home run of hints for the fat chicks...

 

The "hot girl pic" This is a pic he took with a random girl at a party and he's uploaded it as a place card. It's to let you in on what kind of tail he's used to, and what kind of tail he expects. Consider it a parameter for hotness. A way for you to figure out if you should even dare swipe right. Rule of thumb is, if you looked at her in the pic longer than you did him, you're probably not hot enough. Cause these hot, ripped, young at heart renegades aren't looking for anything serious. It's all Sunday fun day's for these cool kids. They don't want any drama cause they straight too busy just, and I quote "living life to the fullest"

 

These guys are known to write messages using only one or two words at a time, saying things like "sup" and "nice pics" they will also demand you add them on social media, almost immediately, and get weird when you tell them you're not on KIK.

 

 

HEADLESS SUIT DADDY:

 

These are men in their 30's. Bad boys who want to call you a bitch, give you a spanking, and teach you how to be a good girl. These brutal faceless gentleman come equipped with a full frame expensive suit pic, and that's usually about it. That's right, nothin but tie, shirt, and the classy lines of linen.  Go ahead, try to swipe for pants, he knows you're aching for a sweet, full frame pant leg shot, that's why your not getting it! Cause, he's the boss, not you! You'll get what you're given, and you'll like it, or you'll get nothin. Nothin but mystery and intrigue! Now if he's a pro, proud, and don't care about puttin his shit out there, this mother fucker may even upload a graphic of some sort. Usually a silhouette of a woman with a perfect full ponytail on all fours, usually wearing a leash of some sort.

 

Bottom line is, he's smart, he's discreet, and will beat the shit out of you if you ask him nicely. These guys are always, and I mean always, powefully successful, travel often, gorgeous, and busy. At least, that's what it says under the Shutterstock suit pic.

 

GROOVY FASHION GUY (May or may not sleep with men):

 

This busy bee is in his early 20's to late 30's. He wears glasses of all kinds. He rocks tight suits in stunning pastels, likes to show a little ankle between his shoe and his pant hem, and seems can only be photographed at a distance. This guy does not fuck around!!! He's always on a patio at some party somewhere. The view is always beautiful, it's dusk, and his face is usually completely obscured by the blatant misuse of a camera's flash. Rarely are you able to make out any identifiable facial features. Instead, what is featured, are the sky blue, boot cut pants, and the Fuschsia v neck silk sweater. Both beautiful choices, even from a distance you can see the pants are tailored. More often than not this package comes with one of my personal favorites. The tanned feet at the end of the beach chair shot. Usually in what looks like a place most people can't afford to lay around in, it's a solid choice as far as pics go, and can hold someones attention without them even realizing it.

 

Now it's not standard issue with this kind of guy, but If this guy's worth a shit, he will also have a filtered pic of himself standing in front of a banner that reads someones name and then the words fashion show on it. He will be on a red carpet that is out of frame, should be wearing glasses, and might have a full beard. It may, or may not even be the same person, shot to shot.

This man of mystery has only links in his description: Twitter, FB, IG, KIK.....

 

THE BEARDED CATEGORY:

 

There are 2 primary Beard folders. 1st one is the 20's guy. Usually geeky, smart, lean, small, 5'7 - 5'9 you know that by the pics, and the fact he doesn't declare that he is tall with  (apparently that's important) next to it. These tattooed, skinny jean wearing lady boys... (I call them lady boys because skinny jeans are leggings, made of denim. And leggings are for ladies) These tattooed, skinny jean wearing lady boys usually have either very thick beards, or trimmed boyband beards and are almost always wearing glasses, and, or, ball caps. You will scroll through pics of them sitting on vintage metal chairs outdoors somewhere, like in a beer garden, or a brownstone backyard. It's not unusual for them to demonstrate skills like woodworking, genetic engineering, and part time bartending. Every single one of this guys pics will inevitably be over filtered, if not black and white with a high brightness vs contrast level. This is normal, intended, and it's just the way these dudes do pics. These fella's are also almost always lovers of music. Many will share photo's of themselves with a guitar, or at a microphone. Sometimes doing both, together, in one pic. These guys dig animals and about 60% of them have at least one shirtless shot showing off their tattoo's and laying down on a couch looking sleepy.

The 2nd folder is the man in his late 30's to early 40's. This guys has a longer, more rebellious beard. He almost always has tattoo's, wears dark colors, and rarely smiles. He sports Vans, expensive sneakers and vintage rock and roll t shirts. He usually has a dog, he was bummed when Kurt died and although he thinks Courtney had something to do with it. And at the same time, he's grown up enough to admit that Hole made some good shit.

 

This brings me to another group:

 

THE SUNSET GROUP:

 

A few other "people" fall into the sunsets family folder... Some siblings and extended family are the Beaches, the Rivers, the off shore ocean pics and the rainforests in far off lands. These profiles are simply that. I don't know about you, but I don't "date" landscapes at sunset.

 

KID PICS:

 

These dudes want you to know they love their kids. They're family guys, BBQ boys, and probably own a pair of Crocs. These family friendly dads are rarely found in photo's without an arm wrapped around one of their offspring. The most uncomfortable being the one they took with their twelve year old daughter in a bikini on holiday in Florida one year. Him in cargo shorts and a vicious sunburn, her, hair wet, licking a popsicle, wearing a bikini. 

 

I think it's beautiful that you love your children, lord knows, I don't want you to kill off the kids to have sex with me...

 

But I also struggle with thinking about having sex with a man standing beside a bikini clad child.

 

Kids

Occupation: owner

 

GROUP PICS:

 

If you can stand filing through and figuring out who your guy is supposed to be in these testosterone filled frames. These overly confident patsy's are inevitably the least attractive guy in the group. I can say with 100% certainty, that every time a guy is one of a group, he is NEVER the guy you want to sleep with. At least not within the line up presented. 

 

There are a bevy of other menu options on these digital dating take out apps. But this is a crash course in the house specials. 

 

I'm going to rest a while, eat something, and fuel up for the next thumb marathon.

 

Romance, who needs it.

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