TUESDAY

10:48pm – Tuesday.

I feel calm right now, on the inside, relaxed. It’s because a job I didn’t want to work on has been pushed, I am blessed.

I am just getting home and my head is spinning. Moving all day like a shark, and deliriously happy about it. I am in love with my work…

I am on a job for a week, like honey, it’s so easy. My insanity is a gift in the entertainment world. We are all carnival creatures, and I am in love under the big top.

Yesterday was amazing, the wind, she was furious. I opened my windows and watched snow dust wave in. I was supposed to be on set but the studio was dark because of the fury mother nature was feeling.

So I worked on Ellipses…

…

I have been obsessed with Ellipses, my new project, I am cobbling, happily. I spent the entire day yesterday playing with things.

In a fog, like the snow spinning through my window, I worked all day, eleven hours to be exact. I was overwhelmed with thirst so I decided to take a break, check the news, and catch up with the world outside. The news began as indulgence but quickly ended in repetition and my obsessing over the facial expressions of the newscasters.

Checking my e-mail, I suddenly found myself on you tube watching vets squeeze maggots out of dog bodies, alive dog bodies. These animals were “pets” of people in Gambia, people that had brought the animal into the vet to deal with the “Mango maggot situation” I use the word “situation” as one might describe Hiroshima as being a “situation”

I have always had a violent repulsion for maggots… If I see them, I want to throw up. Another story for another time.

So…

Not only did I end up here, but I stayed here, searching video after video of it, it was disgusting, but I couldn’t stop doing it.

I watched about an hour of vet after vet popping maggots out of legs, backs, bellies, and their paws. The paws were the hardest part for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about the pain. The dogs fur like a bag of peanuts, moving, living, feeding, peanuts. Each paw pad, filled with worms…

Imagine living with your body being eaten by maggots? You can see them, moving under your skin, right below the surface. You can also see them popping their tails out of your skin pores, as they eat their way into open wounds, wounds that look like a crumpet, a toasted crumpet with its holes oozing cream cheese.

Humans, we are atrocious creatures…

Imagine looking at that and not being able to kill yourself? Or cut your skin open, or push them out yourself. You sit on your filthy bed, and flies lay eggs in you, and all you can do is watch them eat you to death, from the inside. If that’s not a fucking horror film, I don’t know what is.

That, thinking about that is painful, being the dog and looking at that, feeling them moving, and having to depend on another animal to do something about it.

The paws…

The doctor would push his fingers down the foot into the paw, and like fireworks, maggots would dive out. They were everywhere, they were even in the pores around their toenails. Paws like bags of crushed ice… The pain…

The vet would pinch a fold of skin and each and every pore would vomit white bodies out of it, a moving, living, worm body. Sometimes two or three worms would come out of a single pore, one after the other, one deeper than the other, one older or younger than the other…

The doctor, post squeeze, would scrape the maggots off the skin, like a windshield wiper in a rain storms scrapes raindrops. And he would collect them in a stainless steel dish. Sometimes he would have to grab a moving tail from a whale and rip it out like a crab. Some of the maggots would violently refuse eviction.

It was beyond repulsive, and at the same time, beyond satisfying. Truly, completely disgusting, but also, weirdly satisfying.

I honestly can’t believe I watched it, I have been thinking about it off and on, seeing these creatures be pushed out of these broken animals.

It became addictive, the repulsion and the satisfaction, the satisfaction overwhelmed the disgust. I was repulsed, but my eyes remained thirsty. It was horrible.

This gets me thinking, about satisfaction.

Am I barren? Am I so desperate for satisfaction that I will allow myself to be tormented to experience it?

I guess the answer is yes.

This cross pollination of feeling good, and feeling horrified at the same time is not good programming.

That’s bad wiring. That kind of wiring causes a fire.

I need to look at that closer…